Diane rarely missed a day of exercise. Even on days when she wasn’t feeling well, her diligent fitness regime called her back to the gym. She thrived on the endorphins released from her brain after running for several miles. She loved the way her physique looked in the many mirrors throughout her home. She told herself she was aware of how much she was exercising, but often scrambled out of the house to get to the gym on an empty stomach, missing conversations with her roommates and the sight of flowers blooming in early Spring. 

Missing a scheduled day of exercise often resulted in feelings of anxiety and guilt that often spilled over into Diane’s day. Somewhere within her, Diane knew that her compulsive behaviors around exercise were cutting her off from the authentic life she knew existed. She was aware that exercise had become a crutch, no longer an inspiration but rather a rule to follow, but she couldn’t break out of the cycle.

It wasn’t until Diane injured her foot, most likely the result of high-impact and repetitive use, that she began to examine her relationship with exercise. With the support of her therapist, Diane began to reimagine what her life looked like without compulsive exercise and how she could move through the world with more ease, curiosity, and compassion. 

In the following lived experiences blog, we’ll learn more about Diane’s relationship with exercise, her anxiety around weight gain, and how listening to her body and learning to become intentional with her body brings inner peace. 

The following story results from a candid conversation with a real individual whose name has been changed to protect their anonymity.

Identifying: When Exercise Becomes an Addiction

For most of Diane’s growing up experience, she enjoyed a fun and carefree relationship with exercise. She jumped rope through elementary school, played soccer in middle school, tennis through high school, and years later, discovered her love of running. At first, Diane enjoyed the practice of paying attention to her breath, the increased stamina, and healthier appearance that running gave her. She added miles to her running route, which then progressed into running several times a day, and soon she relied on running to feel okay. 

Diane wasn’t thinking about how much she needed to eat to account for all of her physical activity. She didn’t go into running with any weight loss goals or intentions to begin with. But gradually, as she started to lose weight, she decided that she needed to keep up with appearance and feared doing the opposite. As life evolved, with its challenges along the way, from breakups and career changes to moving across the country, Diane felt like exercise and her appearance were the only areas of life she had control over.

Separating: Who Am I Without Exercise?

When Diane injured her foot, her doctor told her that she needed to take several weeks off from running to heal. Fear and anxiety rushed into her body. Diane didn’t know how she’d move through the world without rigorous and calculated exercise. She didn’t know who she’d be looking at in the mirror, how her clothes might fit, and what people might see on the outside. Diane began to realize that who she was on the inside needed to be seen, nurtured, and cared for, so she began to rest. 

After many slow days of icing her foot, longing for a quick recovery, and fearing who she’d be without exercise, Diane began to emerge kinder, calmer, and more receptive to asking for help. She paid closer attention to the colors of the trees, listened to the birds chirp in the morning, rediscovered her love of drawing, and carried her body through the day with more ease. 

Diane was becoming curious about who she was without exercise dictating her life, and to her surprise, began to enjoy herself. She felt less rushed and more engaged in the world both inside and outside of her body.

Integrating: What Can Movement Look Like for Me?

Diane decided to quit her gym membership; something she never thought that she’d do but realized that it stopped sparking joy and started creating chaos, pain, and boredom. The gym reminded her of those recent days when she pushed herself too hard and trapped herself in compulsive behaviors. 

As suggested by her therapist, Diane began to create an art project, imaging what movement can look like for her once her foot recovers. She imagined herself riding her bike with friends, practicing pilates, going to gentle yoga classes, and enjoying walks outside. She knew that exercise needed elements of community, inspiration, creativity, and joy. Diane also knew that she needed to reframe exercise as a tool, rather than a crutch or dependency.

Asking for Help:

Years of compulsive exercise isn’t a pattern that changes overnight. The process of finding balance often takes time and guidance from a trained mental health professional.  

When Diane was in the depths of disordered eating, struggling with anxiety and depression, and forcing herself to exercise through pain, she never thought healing would be possible. Now Diane wishes for every person who struggles with exercise addiction and coinciding mental health conditions to achieve balance for themselves by continuing to ask for help and practicing gentle kindness.

If you or someone you know is struggling with exercise addiction, compulsive behaviors, and co-occurring mental health conditions, our compassionate team of therapists at Handel Behavioral Health is here to help every step of the way. 

We offer both online and in-person therapy for anyone who may need help in treating exercise addiction, eating disorders, and co-occurring mental health conditions. To start working with one of our therapists online in Massachusetts or in-person from our offices in Amherst, Franklin, West Springfield, Wilbraham, or Natick, contact us today at (413) 343-4357 or request an appointment online.

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