I’d been dark-chocolately bitter about Valentine’s Day ever since we stopped doing Valentine cards and candy at school. From about age twelve and on, the holiday continued to lose its sweetness, as it never seemed to live up to my great expectations.

I was obsessed with the idea of love. But I did not think of this whole “love” thing all on my own; It was fed to me. I blame Twilight the most, but it wasn’t just Stephanie Meyer’s fault; It was every young-adult book, rom-com, and Disney channel show that targeted young girls (as an adult we all realized that Gabriella was so right to choose going to Stanford over Troy).

The idea that one will never be complete without a significant other has been mainly targeted at girls, but the pressure is felt by everyone. Prior to the 1970s, when women could finally apply for their own credit and Title IX banned gender discrimination in education, it was hard for women to believe that they could be financially independent, nevertheless safe and happy alone.

With women’s evolving freedoms, the media found a way to still make us feel incomplete without a partner. How many stories have a big-nosed, childless, crazy old lady who never married and has 16 cats, and every character shivers at the thought of becoming her? The “old hag” trope feeds on women’s fear of being ostracized due to their looks, outspokeness, or barren wombs. Avoiding becoming her is at the forefront of many young women’s minds (though secretly I was looking forward to it).

After we devour that media year round, we get hit with the big one: Valentine’s Day. Another holiday that has been bastardized by capitalism. The amount you love or are loved is defined by how much money is spent.  People post on social media what they gifted or received, to prove that their love has a dollar value, and for others to compare their worth to. 

And being single on Valentine’s Day? You are akin to the heavily discounted, slightly ripped bag of candy hearts in the bargain bin a week after the holiday.

I am here to tell you that none of it is real. Love is real, sure, but quantifying it with your worth is not. Love has no price tag, and neither do you. Your mere presence on this Earth is what gives you value, and the way you care for this planet and your fellow inhabitants is what makes you really special.

You are born inherently worthy of love. Whether you see it or experience it does not mean you are unloveable. There are 8.3 billion people on Earth (to be the least loveable person on Earth would be a feat unto itself) and I’m sure each one could find something about you that they love.

“No they couldn’t,” you may be thinking, “no one loves me”. Tell that negative self-talking learned-helplessness inner-critic to shut up! It’s lying to you. These thought patterns may once have protected you from disappointment or intended to push you to be “better,” but crushing your self-esteem is not helpful nor healthy.

Being kind to yourself, and patient and loving and caring, is what gives you the ability to be kind to others, celebrate other’s wins, and give grace when you would’ve wanted it.

So be your own Valentine this year. Think about your great qualities, accomplishments, and creations. Think about how you cared for others this past year, and who cared for you– even in the smallest of ways.

Make yourself a Valentine. 

Treat yourself some chocolates or flowers (or whatever you like because it doesn’t have to be what capitalism told you to buy). 

Take yourself out to eat or prepare your favorite meal. 

Practice mindfulness and being present; be thankful for how far your physical body has taken you in this life.

Maybe even send a Valentine to your friends or family and tell them how much they mean to you and that they are loved.

And remember that Valentine’s Day is a manufactured, cherry-picked, and borderline blasphemous holiday. 

Its namesake St. Valentine was more of a martyr during the Roman’s persecution of Christianity than a champion for romantic love. Chaucer’s poem, “The Parliament of Fowl”, written for a politically-negotiated marriage, is where we get our modern-day, romantic version of the holiday. In the 1850’s, it was then commercialized to sell more cards, flowers, and chocolate. 

And after Hershey discontinued the Valentine’s Day limited edition lava cake kisses… what’s even the point of celebrating?

A Note from the Author:

I have written somewhat extensively on the topic of Valentine’s Day, love in media, and being ok being alone. I was single for a long time, as you may read yourself.

Once I shed the chokehold that the idea of love had on me, and thought more realistically about the future and what I wanted, I got really into the idea of being a crazy cat lady with a pink house that was mostly library.

While I have since found love, I do not hold on to it for dear life in fear of being alone. That is the kind of idea that makes people stay in unhappy, toxic, or abusive relationships. That is also why it is important to have friends and community around you and not isolate yourself with one person.

Also I actually have moved on from the lava cake kisses to Trader Joe’s cocoa truffles, which really shows how much I have healed.

About The Author