Living With Loss - Handel Behavioral Health
Mental Health Blog

Living With Loss

February 4, 2025

“We can’t avoid death, but we can learn to live with it.”

Three years before Leo discovered that he wanted to be a therapist, he lost his dad. Here, Leo explores the complex journey of navigating the deep grief of losing his father, while learning to find purpose and joy in life again.

The following is a real story from an individual whose name has been changed to protect their anonymity. 

Grief was a big part of my childhood. My mother’s father passed away before I was born and I’d constantly hear things like, “I wish you had met him,” or, “I wish you had been born sooner.” I grieved in a way that I never got to know my grandfather.

My grandmother’s cognitive abilities declined while I was away at college. She moved in with my mother and those visits home were met with a lot of sadness and mourning. The grandmother I knew was already gone, well before she passed. 

I lost my father’s father and several friends in the span of my early twenties. 

The hardest death to face was my father’s. He died in March of 2003, but the grieving process began before he passed.

I drove out to the hospice center, about an hour drive with traffic to visit him. My dad was a real tough, old-school guy. He was born in pre-communist Romania and fled the country with his family once the communists arrived. On this particular visit, he was in bad shape. He looked me in the eyes and told me, with pain in his voice, that if I didn’t take him out of the hospice center, he was going to die and it’d be my fault. In that moment, I felt all five stages of grief at once: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. 

I accepted that my father was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it. 

Our last visit together was a more typical goodbye. He told me how proud he was of me and what a wonderful son I’d been to him. 

Later that night, the news was delivered to me via a phone call from the nurses who took care of my dad. They told me he was gone.

The Breakthrough Moment

Over the next weeks, I helped my mom sort out insurance paperwork, went through old photos, and gathered with family. My friends called me, sent flowers and cards, and everything seemed to move quickly. 

A month later, while I was watching some silly movie that I’d seen at least twice before, the grief hit me. 

The character referenced losing their father and I completely broke down. I spent the next thirty minutes crying and yelling, all I wanted to do was wrap myself up in a blanket and shut out the world. I learned then that I needed to find balance.

Finding Balance

My dad died on March 3, 2003. Now, every time I see the number 333 I send him a kiss up to heaven. 

I consult my dad on decisions and trust that he’s looking out for me. 

At the same time, I allow myself to feel hurt and angry at him for not engaging in certain treatments to take better care of himself, and at the doctors for not being able to save him. Some of my anger is irrational, but I allow myself to feel it.

I’ve learned that there’s a difference between being uncomfortable and being in a panic state. There’s also a difference between mourning and letting loss dictate my life. I give into sadness by crying or calling a close friend. I sit with discomfort rather than run away from it, because the only way out is in.

It doesn’t always look perfect, and that’s okay.

Grief Is Not Something You Get Past, It’s Something You Learn to Live With

When the grief started, it was like I was in the room with this giant ball that filled the entire space. It was as if I couldn’t be in the room without seeing the ball’s markings pressed against the walls and knocking over the furniture. Over time, the ball shrank and sort of floated around the room. It might make a mark on the walls but I wouldn’t see it until later because it wasn’t present in that part of my life. The ball no longer bounces against the walls or knocks over the furniture. It doesn’t affect my life as often. When it does, it leaves a powerful mark, but it’s a smaller mark that can be helpful and provide insight. 

I’m learning to live with my grief through positive remembrance. I share stories about my dad, include him in family traditions, and honor the life I have to live.

Honoring Life

My dad would hate the thought of me avoiding life because of his death.

Three years after his passing, I started to put my life back together and went onto become a licensed clinical social worker. I took several classes on death and dying and supported people in hospice. I discovered that running away from death only delays the healing process that is available to all of us.

My grandmother, who went on to outlive my father, helped me through difficult times. 

She completely understood and related to my feelings about my father’s passing. Sometimes, we’d sit together in silence and listen to a piece of music that he liked or look at paintings he enjoyed. 

My grandmother lived until was 103. I asked her, “How do you make it 103?” She said, “I wake up every morning and say, “I’m so glad that it’s a new day.”

Healing Grief With Counseling

Grief and loss are inescapable parts of life. The types of grief we go through and the thoughts and feelings we experience are unique to each of us. It may take more or less time than expected for the answers to become clear, and for us to live with joy and purpose again. 

The most important thing to remember is that we are not alone in our suffering. 

If you or someone you care about is experiencing complex emotions after a loss, our highly-trained and compassionate therapists are here to support you. By working with a mental health professional who specializes in grief and loss counseling, you will find the validation and support that you need to heal from your grief and move forward in your life.

To start working with one of our grief and loss counselors from our offices in Amherst, West Springfield, Wilbraham, Franklin, Natick, or online in Massachusetts, contact us today at (413) 343-4357 or request an appointment online.

About The Author

Nettie Hoagland Headshot

Nettie Hoagland is a writer with experience in local news reporting, nonprofit communications, and community development. She earned her bachelor of arts degree in Media Studies, Journalism, and Digital Arts from Saint Michael’s College in Vermont. Nettie believes in the healing power of the arts to create connection and community. She is passionate about using writing as an instrument for personal and social growth in the field of mental health. She is currently based in Brooklyn, NY.