Emotional abuse is particularly insidious type of abuse. It can be hard to identify due to it’s nature of making the victim isolated and untrusting of their own instincts.

It’s almost like a form of brainwashing. It starts small, so small you won’t notice it while wearing the rose-colored-glasses in the honeymoon stage. Then one day, years down the line, you find yourself emotionally battered, with no agency in your life, and barely recognizing how trapped you’ve become.

I am particularly sensitive to this topic because of my own experience, and I am always eager to share my story. Reading about other people’s experiences and finding out that there were words for what I was experiencing broke the spell I had been under.

You have to arm yourself with the terminology and the knowledge that emotional abuse is abuse.

Gaslighting

The term “gaslight” comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a woman’s husband slowly manipulates her into insanity by moving items and creating sounds and telling her he doesn’t see or hear them.

It gained popularity in the 2010’s to describe the way manipulative partners will make you doubt your own eyes and ears by denying your reality.

I was not familiar with the term gaslighting until I started researching the kinds of behaviors my ex-partner was exhibiting. It felt like I was reading his playbook; everything I read filled in another puzzle piece to what I was trying to solve.

When I tried to use the term to describe his actions, he denied it, of course. The truth is, they don’t believe what they’re doing is abuse. You could show them the textbook definition and they would deny it (well, that in and of itself is the textbook definition of gaslighting).

If they’re really good at it, you won’t know it’s happening at all. It slowly breaks you down to lack trust in yourself and to put full agency onto your partner. They then control the narrative of your life.

Isolation From Friends and Family

The next step is to ensure you can’t double check your sources by isolating you. They may imply that your friends or family aren’t trustworthy or a bad influence. They take up all your time so you have less time to spend with anyone but them. They stir up drama and create rifts in your relationships to slowly make them the only one in your life.

Without someone to talk to, you can’t check if you’re the “crazy” one.

In my case, he damaged my friendships by taking up most of my time, speaking negatively about them, and told me I wasn’t “allowed” to talk to them about our relationship. Only one friend saw through his manipulation and stayed there for me, and would even stand up to him at times.

He even read my diary once and admonished me for writing about him, even the positive things. I stopped writing in my diary at all until we broke up, as he took away my one safe place for self-reflection.

What I needed at the time was an unbiased third-party such as a therapist. A therapist could have helped recognize patterns, even if I wasn’t forthright in calling it abusive, and helped me come to my own conclusions without pushing it.

Setting Boundaries vs. Controlling Behaviors

Settings boundaries is for oneself, not to control the behaviors of someone else.

A boundary can be: “I won’t drive in a car with someone who speeds because it puts me in danger”. If someone is driving recklessly with them in the car, the person would hold the boundary and not ride in the car with them again.

This is a choice by the person making the boundary for their safety, and does not attempt to control the behavior of the other, or punish them for it.

An abusive partner may call their controlling tactics “boundaries.” For example saying: “My boundary is that I don’t want you to wear yoga pants.” This isn’t a boundary as it attempts to control the partner’s behavior instead of explaining what their behavior will be when it happens.

In my case, I got “caught” wearing yoga pants in a picture posted online (everyone wore them in college, I swear). He then showed up to my dorm room and tried to cut my yoga pants with scissors. I was punished with violence.

If you find yourself with a growing list of rules and a growing sense of anxiety that you will get in “trouble” if you break one, take a step back and question whether they are setting boundaries or trying to control you.

Breaking Down Self-Esteem

An abuser requires you to not only question your sanity but question your worth as a person. This is by design; without self esteem you are less likely to think you deserve better. You become convinced that you cannot leave because no one else would “put up with you”.

I was not allowed to dress nicely, and if I did it would be questioned. As a teen, I thought it was because I must have looked ridiculous, that my attempt at looking nice was laughable. My intelligence was also often questioned or would be mocked in front of his friends.

I did not believe I was witty or pretty or worthy of anything. He even told me that “no one else would love me like he did”.

A key factor in breaking the spell of abuse is to grow one’s confidence. This is not an easy feat, as many people who have experienced emotional abuse lose their sense of self, and cannot imagine who they are without their abuser.

Getting time and space away from my abuser allowed me get to know myself, and let others get to know me too. Finding out I was perfectly likeable by people beyond him was the final shock to my system they helped me get away.

Other Signs of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse starts small, and is sometimes imperceptible. Each individual behavior doesn’t seem so bad, and is often brushed off. But all together, it can be a pattern of abuse.

Examples of emotional abuse include:

• Commenting on, making you feel guilty for, or fully controlling what you wear, eat, talk to, etc.
• Texting you or starting fights while you are out with friends, or at work
• Requiring full “transparency” and constant digital monitoring– your location, your passwords to phone, computer and/or social media, etc.
• Blaming their behavior on you – “I wouldn’t have punched a wall if you hadn’t pissed me off” and requiring you to apologize
• Making fun of you in front of others, or pretending that what you’re saying doesn’t make sense
• Questioning your memory of an event until you are not sure yourself
• Forbidding you from bettering yourself, such as getting a job, going to school, or taking care of your looks
• Promising to change, be nice for a while to pull you back in, and then go back to their ways once they’ve got you back

Note that these behaviors are not isolated to romantic partners; Any relationship can become abusive, and an abuser can be any gender.

Getting Help and Making an Exit Strategy

It can be extremely dangerous to leave an abusive situation, and is often the trigger that leads to physical violence. It takes on average 4-7 attempts to leave an abuser before one is successful.

It took me 4 years to leave mine, and about 3-4 attempts. I did not realize the damage that was done to my mental health until after the fact. Even though it has been 10 years and I feel safe in my current healthy relationship, I still find myself having visceral reactions to perceived transgressions that aren’t even there.

Realizing how much unhealed trauma there was still lingering beneath the surface, I found an understanding and compassionate therapist to help me.

If my story and the examples above resonate with you, it may be time to start forming an exit plan, too.

You shouldn’t have to do this alone. Creating a support system of trusted friends and family, as well as a licensed mental health counselor can help you create a safety plan to get safe and stay safe.

Therapy for Domestic Violence

Handel Behavior Health understands that it can be difficult to talk about emotional abuse, and sometimes even embarrassing as the individual events can sound silly. Our mental health professionals at HBH are able to recognize patterns and validate your experiences and feelings without judgement.

Your therapist will be there for you whether you leave your partner or not, and will be the safe space you need to work through trauma, build your self-esteem, and remind you that you’re not crazy.

HBH provides therapy for victims of domestic violence online or in-person in Massachusetts from our Amherst, West Springfield, Franklin, Natick, and Wilbraham offices. If you are looking for therapy for emotional abuse, contact us today at (413) 343-4357 or request an appointment online.

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