Maternal mental health is often far more complex than the picture-perfect version we see on social media. Pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period can bring families their greatest joys, but they can also bring anxiety, depression, grief, fear, overwhelm, identity shifts, and unexpected challenges.
To help shed light on the realities of motherhood, we spoke with Vera, a mother of two who shared her experiences navigating infertility, pregnancy during COVID-19, postpartum mental health, and the challenges of raising young children.
The Emotional Roller Coaster of Pregnancy
While some pregnancies are planned, and others are not, an increasing number are fought for.
One in ten women in the U.S. experiences infertility, as well as the momentous journey to pregnancy, filled with uncertainty, financial stress, and emotional exhaustion.
For Vera, becoming pregnant with her first child was a dream years in the making.
“IVF is awful to go through. So much mental gymnastics and it’s a hormonal roller coaster.”
After two rounds of IVF, she remembers feeling “relieved, ecstatic, and amazed” when she finally became pregnant.
Her second pregnancy was an entirely different experience.
At age 40, after believing it would be extremely difficult to conceive again, she was shocked to discover she was pregnant unexpectedly.
The surprise brought mixed emotions: fear, excitement and grief, hope and anxiety.
Questions flooded her mind:
- How would her body handle another pregnancy?
- How would they fit another child into their home and life?
- Would the pregnancy be healthy?
- Could she start over after finally feeling like she was regaining some independence?
Neither of Vera’s experiences is uncommon, and having different emotions for each child does not make one a “bad” mother or make one child more “wanted” than the other.
Planning for a child means being able to emotionally prepare for them and ensure that the family has the capacity to bring them home. Being caught off guard, with the ticking time bomb of new life ready in about 9 months, can create a lot of anxiety for mothers.
Stuck in a Bubble
Vera’s first pregnancy coincided with the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Feeling safe, secure, and supported often comes with being able to meticulously plan their pregnancy, baby showers, and birth plans.
But during COVID, all those plans fell apart, and the prenatal support systems Vera expected simply disappeared. Prenatal yoga classes, support groups, community gatherings, and opportunities to connect with other expectant parents were suddenly unavailable.
Instead, Vera found herself navigating pregnancy in isolation.
To support her mental health, she leaned on activities that provided structure, movement, and connection:
- Gardening
- Long walks
- Bike rides
- Virtual dance classes
- Zoom calls with friends and family
- Baking
While trying to stay safe for her and her baby’s health, she also worried about bringing a child into a world that felt uncertain and frightening.
“I had anxiety about the state of the world and what I was bringing this child into.”
Her experience highlights the extraordinary struggles women went through during the pandemic, and that life circumstances, social support, and external stressors can have a major impact on maternal mental health.
Expecting the Unexpected
Many mothers enter labor with a plan. Some bring a whole binder or prepare their husbands or caretakers on how they want to be supported. Many pack an overnight bag with one or two days of clothes.
But when having a baby, one must expect the unexpected.
Vera spent nearly five days in the hospital with her first child.
After induction led to intense labor with little progress, Vera dropped her plans of an unmedicated pregnancy and after 48 hours, chose an epidural.
“It was like the angels had descended from above.”
Despite support from nurses, midwives, and her doula, labor still stalled repeatedly, and after days of labor and exhaustion, she delivered via cesarean section.
The experience taught her an important lesson that many mothers discover:
Birth is not a test of strength or worthiness.
There is often tremendous pressure on women to have the “perfect” birth experience. Some women boast about not needing an epidural, or the baby just slipping out after one push, or that they totally didn’t poop. While impressive, it doesn’t make them “better” at motherhood.
“At the end of the day, the baby just needs to come out.”
Her second child was delivered through a planned C-section, which felt emotionally easier than her first birth experience because she entered surgery rested and prepared. Though recovery was more exhausting, both physically and emotionally, from being older and coming home to another toddler to care for.
Sleep When The Baby Does?
One of the biggest challenges new parents face is getting enough sleep.
The go-to advice is to sleep when the baby does, but unfortunately adult humans have very different requirements when it comes to sleep routines.
For Vera, her second baby rarely slept for more than 30 minutes at a time unless someone was holding her.
“It was unbelievably hard.”
The constant exhaustion was overwhelming, and it can become a vicious cycle once in deep enough debt. Severe sleep deprivation can have profound impacts on mental health. It can increase:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Irritability
- Emotional overwhelm
- Difficulty concentrating
- Intrusive thoughts
Many new parents quietly endure this level of exhaustion, assuming it’s just the norm and that everyone goes through it.
While yes, babies have never been the best sleepover buddies, it was much easier in the past. Back when grandparents were actually able to retire and help out, villages shared caretaking responsibilities, and moms didn’t have to go back to work after only a few short weeks of maternity leave, if any!
But chronic sleep deprivation can have serious detrimental effects on one’s mental health. It is important to maintain good sleep hygiene and reach out for help when you can, like taking turns sleeping with your partner or having a family member or friend come to the house so you can sleep.
Everything Isn’t Always Sunshine and Rainbows
Following the birth of her first child, Vera was surprised that she did not experience significant postpartum depression.
Despite the challenges of parenting during COVID, she felt deeply connected to her daughter.
“I was so in awe, so in love, and so thankful for her.”
But like her second pregnancy, her second postpartum experience was very different.
The combination of severe sleep deprivation, caring for two children, recovering from surgery, and relocating to a new state became overwhelming.
Vera remembers moments of extreme sleep deprivation when distressing thoughts would suddenly appear.
“Am I about to drop the baby?”
Intrusive thoughts are often associated with postpartum anxiety and are surprisingly common among new parents. Having an intrusive thought does not mean a parent wants to harm their child or will act on the thought.
Instead, these thoughts are often symptoms of heightened anxiety, exhaustion, and the immense responsibility of caring for a newborn.
Because of shame and fear, many parents keep these experiences to themselves.
At a follow-up appointment, her OB asked how she was doing.
“I said, ‘Oh, okay,’ with tears streaming down my face.”
Vera was then prescribed a low dose of Zoloft, which helped reduce the intensity of her symptoms and allowed her to function the way she wanted to as a mother.
Postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety can affect anyone, even mothers who have had positive experiences with previous pregnancies.
Every pregnancy, every birth, every baby, and every postpartum period is different.
Advice for New Mothers
After navigating two very different postpartum experiences, Vera offers simple but powerful advice:
Don’t be so hard on yourself.
The early months are incredibly demanding.
Lower your expectations.
Your house does not need to be perfect.
Ask for help.
Whether from family, friends, other parents, or professionals, support matters.
Remember that this phase is temporary.
The sleepless nights and overwhelming days do eventually pass.
Take care of yourself too.
A walk, a nap, a coffee shop break, nourishing food, or a conversation with a trusted friend can make a meaningful difference.
Seek professional support if you’re struggling.
Therapy, support groups, medication, and postpartum mental health resources exist for a reason—and they can be life-changing.
It Takes a Village
Parenting was never meant to happen in isolation. Connecting with other parents, support groups, family members, friends, and mental health professionals can make an enormous difference during the postpartum period.
Maternal mental health challenges are incredibly common, yet many mothers suffer in silence because they fear judgment or believe they should be able to handle everything on their own.
The truth is that motherhood is one of the most demanding transitions a person can experience.
If you are experiencing postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, overwhelming stress, intrusive thoughts, or difficulty adjusting to parenthood, support is available.
You deserve the same compassion, care, and attention that you so freely give to your children.
Looking for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety Therapy?
Mothers often spend all their energy caring for everyone else that their own emotional needs are pushed aside.
At Handel Behavioral Health, we understand the unique emotional and biological changes that can come with parenthood and are here to help you navigate them with support and understanding.
Our clinicians provide compassionate therapy for women experiencing perinatal depression, which includes prenatal depression, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety, birth trauma, and other maternal mental health concerns.
If you’re looking for prenatal or postpartum depression therapy online or in-person in our Massachusetts offices in Amherst, Franklin, West Springfield, Wilbraham, or Natick, contact us today at (413) 343-4357 or request an appointment online!
Further Reading:
Perinatal and Postpartum Depression Therapy in Massachusetts
About The Author
