The Fundamentals of Caring for a Loved One

“Caregiver” is a role often thrust upon people with no notice, no training, and no guidance. 

It is not uncommon to suddenly find oneself caring for aging parents or an unexpectedly disabled loved one. 

This sudden responsibility can be overwhelming; feelings of anxiety, guilt, and grief can make caregiving not just physically exhausting but emotionally, too.

I was able to interview Neil, a son supporting his father who was diagnosed with brain cancer last September. Listening to Neil’s experience being a caregiver not only helped me understand the mental health effects of caregiving but it truly captured the full picture.

Caregiver may be the title, but the role requires many hats:  first responder, nursing assistant, medical advocate, power of attorney, scheduling coordinator, financial advisor, repair man, personal shopper, IT support, and professional Googler.

Caregivers Wear Many Hats

Caregivers Wear Many Hats

When most people hear that someone is taking time to be a caregiver, they mostly think they are just driving them to appointments, administering medications, fluffing pillows and making dinner.

But as Neil described, it can be so much more. Caregivers become the go-to problem-solvers, coordinators, communicators, and emotional anchor all at once.

Some of these little-known responsibilities included:

• Coordinating between multiple doctors and navigating complex medical systems
• Managing finances, bills, and the home
• Troubleshooting daily challenges—from sleeping arrangements to home repairs
• Acting as a liaison between other family members and healthcare providers
• Constantly researching, calling, waiting, and advocating
• Being “on call” nearly all hours of the day

This was even more complicated for Neil and his sister, who both lived far away from their parents. Neil travels back and forth, and even when he’s home he is in near-constant digital communication—emails, portals, phone calls. His sister who lives even farther is often spending time researching and purchasing food and supplies to be delivered for them.

The Emotional Toll

The Emotional Toll

One of the most difficult aspects of caregiving is that it doesn’t leave much room for you to fall apart, even when you feel right on the edge. Neil mentioned many times of his mind and body begging to shut down, but knowing that his family needed him and having to power through.

There’s also complicated feelings of guilt:

• Guilt about not being physically present enough
• Guilt when you are present, but need a break
• Guilt for continuing to live your life

Caregivers often live with constant, low-level anxiety. Neil described feeling a “phantom buzz” of the phone going off in his pocket, always anticipating the next call, the next update, the next crisis. 

It becomes difficult to fully relax and disconnect, even when trying to spend time with friends or simply live one’s life with a sense of normalcy.

And then there’s the emotional balancing act within the family:

• Trying not to break down at the same time, and passing the baton as needed
• Protecting the person who is ill from your own fear or grief
• Navigating what to say, and what not to say, especially about the future

An example of how dedicated Neil and his family were to maintaining a positivity around their father: When the house had heating issues and could only keep one room warm at a time, they would bundle up and go to another room to have sensitive conversations about his dad’s care, out of his earshot. 

The Mental Health of a House of Cards

While caregiving can soon feel routine, unexpected events can shake the house of cards you’ve delicately stacked.

For Neil, it was a long car ride to try to spend the holidays with distant family. New challenges were presented while he tried so hard to maintain the comfort and familiarity for a parent whose world had become disorienting. 

He was in constant monitoring and adjusting to ensure that what should have been a jolly time with family and not a failed expedition.

Neil barely realized the hyperfocused mode he was in until he got home, and crashed from the emotional exhaustion.

Caregivers often become so attuned to someone else’s needs that they lose touch with their own. Over time, this can lead to:

• Emotional numbness or overwhelm
• Difficulty transitioning back to everyday life
• A persistent sense of being “on edge”
• Feeling stuck between two worlds—your life, and the caregiving reality

It Takes a Village

If there is one thing made clear from Neil’s story is that caregiving requires a team, not just to allocate responsibilities, but for moral support.

Neil described support from all angles making caregiving possible:

• A close-knit immediate family sharing responsibilities
• Extended family stepping back in to help
• Friends offering meals, kind words, and presence
• Neighbors helping with small but meaningful acts, like shoveling snow
• A spouse providing emotional grounding and space to process
• Even pets offering comfort in quiet moments

These gestures may seem small, but they matter deeply. 

Caregiving can feel isolating, especially when it seems like everyone else is moving forward with life and you feel stuck in time; But these small gestures of kindness can alleviate that sense of loneliness.

A Labor of Love

If you are a caregiver, you may recognize parts of your own experience here.

You are allowed to feel exhausted, guilty, numb, bored, frustrated; None of it makes you a bad caregiver. It makes you human.

Doing the best you can, with what you have, in a situation you didn’t choose, is enough.

As Neil reflected: The intensity of the pain is a reflection of how deeply we care.

Despite the pain, there are still beautiful moments that cut through: A thank you. A hug. A shared silence.

Caregiving can also create space for conversations that might never have happened otherwise—for making amends, expressing love, and being present in a way that everyday life rarely allows.

Remember that caregiving is about caring– just showing up and giving your love is what really matters.

Facing the Inevitable

For many caregivers, their loved ones are facing terminal illness. The foreboding, ever-present cloud can darken even the lighthearted moments.

Though sometimes a rough timeline can be given, there is no way to know for sure how much time you will have left with your loved one. It can be hard to appreciate the present without the knot of knowing the future in your stomach tainting everything.

When a loved one passes, it can be incredibly distressing for those present. These moments can be loud, with medical alarms going off and many people rushing around; Or can be completely silent, holding the hand of a loved one at home as they finally let go.

Facing this grief can be more difficult as a caregiver and witness. It is not uncommon to experience symptoms of PTSD following a difficult loss.

This is why taking care of oneself and getting proper support as the caregiver is so important.

A Safe Space for Caregivers

Caregiving can bring up thoughts and emotions that are difficult to talk openly about, especially when your fellow loved ones are also going through it with you. 

Therapy can provide a space to say the things you can’t say out loud. It allows caregivers to process grief, fear, frustration, and even moments of resentment or numbness without fear of being judged, or taking more emotional energy from the rest of the care team.

Neil mentioned that he and his family take turns being the listener and the complainer; They are incredibly mindful of each other’s unique personal challenges and emotional limits. 

But he acknowledges that while they are a great support system for each other, there are some things that can only be expressed and processed in therapy.

Support and Counseling for Caregivers

Handel Behavioral Health understands the toll that caregiving and grief can have on people and their families.

Our compassionate therapists have experience in grief counseling, health/medical therapy, and PTSD. We are here to help you navigate the complex emotions of caregiving, as well as the grief in the aftermath.

If you’re looking for mental health counseling for caregiving stress in Massachusetts, contact us and we can match you with a counselor and book an appointment today!

We offer both telehealth/online therapy as well as in-person therapy at our offices in Amherst, Springfield, Wilbraham, Natick, and Franklin Massachusetts.

Call (413) 343-4357  or request an appointment online today to get started.

 

About The Author