Jennette McCurdy, a Nickelodeon childhood star, drew headlines when she announced her biography with the intriguing title, I’m Glad My Mom Died.

Jennette was not open about her struggles while she was on iCarly and Sam and Cat, and did not participate in the documentary about Dan Schneider’s abuse on various Nickelodeon sets, Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV.

Jennette suffered in silence, unaware that her mother’s “love” was actually abuse, which led to a frustrating grapple for control that fed into her eating disorders, OCD, and substance abuse. After the loss of her mother, she faced complex grief of not just the mother she put on a pedestal, but for her entire childhood.

Narcissistic Covert Abuse From a Parent

Jennette’s mother, Debra, was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when Jennette was only two. Her mother, believing she was going to die, recorded a video of her singing lullabies to her children. 

Despite surviving, her mother made it a ritual to watch this video weekly after church, ensuring that the pity and guilt would be concreted and continuous. She frames this as they should be “grateful” that she is still alive, but that the cancer could come back at any time, and so they must continue to cherish her existence everyday.

This pushed Jennette into acting, despite her having no interest in it, because it was her mother’s dream. Any time Jennette tried to push against this or anything else her mother wanted, she was met with a sob story or a silent treatment.

“‘You want to be Mommy’s little actress?’
I knew there was only one right answer.”

Jennette admits that her mother was a narcissist. Debra likely was a “covert” narcissist, which is  harder to pinpoint than overt narcissism; Debra was not aggressive or directly demanded attention, but rather created pity and guilt with self-deprecation. 

Due to their delusions of grandeur, those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often do not think they are doing anything wrong, as they truly believe they are worthy of “being seen, valued, and nurtured” (Chapter 25), and that their actions are altruistic in nature. Those with NPD are not “evil”, as it is a mental disorder that often stems from their own trauma. This can make it even harder to draw boundaries with them, especially when it’s a parent.

Children of narcissists live a life on edge, always attempting to predict which side of their parent they will get on a given day, and to act accordingly. Constantly being on this level of hyperawareness can lead to Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), which can include intense anxiety and unhelpful people-pleasing behaviors.

“I have learned [her expressions] inside and out so I can behave accordingly at all times… Everyone else walks around clueless, never knowing which mom they were going to get. But I always know. I spent my whole life studying her so that I can always know. Because I always want to do whatever I can at any given moment to keep or make mom happy.”

Eating Disorders as a Form of Bonding

Jennette’s mother usurped control over Jennette physically as well. Debra insisted she wipes Jennette after using the bathroom until age 10, and that she bathes her well into her teenage years, even sometimes with her brother, with the right justifications for Jennette to not question it. 

She also performed “exams” of her genitals and breasts, during which Jennette would dissociate outside her body. Her mind knew that this practice was abnormal, but she did not yet grasp the abuse. Jennette later mentions how this affected her intimacy when she began dating.

When Jennette starts to grow breasts, she is immediately concerned about her image, particularly for her acting work. 

“The only thing worse than a cancer diagnosis is a growing up diagnosis … If I start to grow up, mom won’t love me as much.”

She asks her mom if she can stop growing. Debra tells her the “secret”: calorie restriction, something she had done her whole life. Jennette dives head first, eager for her mom’s approval and loving the close friendship they’ve fostered by both being in on this “secret”. Debra encourages this, giving her tips and measuring her weekly. 

Jennette’s eating disorder spiraled and morphed into different forms throughout her adolescence and young adulthood; calorie restriction led to binging and purging. 

Even while her mother was actively passing away and in a coma, no longer having the power of her words to control Jennette, Jennette attempted to wake her by telling her how “skinny she is right now”. 

After her mother passed away, Jennette’s eating disorder became her identity and her way to “honor” her mom. 

With therapy, Jennette worked to get past her eating disorder and acknowledged that the road to recovery is a bumpy one.

OCD Disguised as the Holy Ghost

Jennette’s grandpa noticed her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)  rituals first, but her mother was in denial. Debra had a form of OCD herself, in which her compulsive hoarding of ‘sentimental’ items began after she survived cancer.

Jennette was similarly dismissive about the possibility of OCD, which is common for those with OCD, as everything seems justified. She particularly was convinced that it was not OCD but that her intrusive thoughts were the Holy Ghost was speaking to her.

“‘Holy Ghost,’ I ask internally, ‘are the Holy Ghost or are you OCD?’
‘Of course I’m the Holy Ghost,’ the still, small voice answers back in my mind.
So that settles it. I asked him directly, and he answered me right back.”

Believing that the voice in her head was the Holy Ghost made her feel more involved and included at her church. 

Jennette’s rituals were often to keep her mother alive, and so every day she lived, proved her rituals were working and kept them going for years.

Jennette’s OCD could have also fueled her eating disorder. The obsession with counting and measuring numbers and the compulsive ritual of binging and purging could become more important than the weight loss itself.

Navigating Complex Grief

Debra’s cancer comes back and is soon in hospice, set up in a hospital bed in their house. They watch her pass away, silently.

“All of us are silent, the effect of years of emotional exhaustion. I’m surprised none of us are crying but it’s like we have no tears left. We’ve been through at least a dozen dress rehearsals of our mothers death. We remember the VHS tape.”

Even though the book is titled “I’m Glad My Mom Died,” as it finally freed her to live her own life and tackle her mental health in a real and productive way, this does not negate her grief. 

Complex grief can be more prolonged, as it is much harder to resolve. One is not only grieving the person they loved, but the healthy relationship they wish they had. It comes with regret for not making amends or confronting them, anger for the lack of justice, and guilt for being in any way happy for their death.

Jennette also grieves the loss of a childhood that was not wrought with abuse and trauma. She mourns the time she lived for her mother and never herself.

“I’m processing not only the grief of my mom’s death, but the grief of my childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood that I feel I had never truly been able to live for myself.”

Jennette feels guilt about not visiting her mother’s grave as often as was prescribed by her. She acknowledges her abuse, and cries when she remembers the happy times and fantasizes about the possibility that her mother would have apologized to her, and get better herself. She knows this was indeed a fantasy, and slowly stops visiting her grave.

How Therapy Helped

During Jennette’s first attempt at therapy, her therapist immediately pointed out that her mother was abusive. Jennette was not ready to accept that reality; her mind was still trying to protect her from the total breakdown of her worldview. She dropped this therapist, and did not try again until after her eating disorder began to spiral.

After Jennette’s mother passes away, she has the opportunity to unravel the complicated relationship she had with her.

“That pedestal [I kept my mom on] kept me stuck, emotionally stunted, living in fear, dependent, in a near constant state of emotional pain and without the tools to even identify that pain let alone deal with it.”

Jennette was finally ready to confront this new reality, that her childhood was fraught with abuse, and the mother she revered was at its core. 

Jennette went through many therapists before finding the right one, which is not only common but expected. Jennette’s therapist practiced Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and had her fill out packets, with reading and written exercises, which helped her organize and clarify her own thoughts.

Her therapist tells her about how shame can spiral “slips into slides”, and that punishing ourselves with shame and guilt can create a cyclical loop where recovery can never fit in.

“’Slips are totally normal. When you have a slip, it’s just that. A slip. It doesn’t define you. It doesn’t make you a failure. The most important thing is that you don’t let that slip become a slide.’”

Therapy for CPTSD, Eating Disorders, OCD, and Complex Grief

If Jennette’s story resonated with you and you’re ready to take the next step in your own mental health journey, the therapists at Handel Behavioral Health are here to help. 

Our mental health professionals are trained in overcoming trauma, recovery from eating disorders, treating OCD, and processing grief.

We take a holistic approach to your care by helping you navigate the connections between your struggles and developing a treatment plan that fits your needs.

To find a therapist for online therapy or in-person therapy in Massachusetts at one of our offices in Amherst, Natick, Franklin, West Springfield, or Wilbraham offices, contact us today at (413) 343-4357 or request an appointment online.

About The Author